Category: My Life

I had a very
horrific experience some years back when Ed, our first son was 2years old.

He woke up that day
crying and was cranky till about midday. He just wouldn’t let me out of his
sight for a second. Unlike him, he cried at and for everything. His inability
to express himself made matters worse for me. He needed something and I could
not figure it out. Everything I offered was not it. Nothing was good
enough.

My frustration and
annoyance over his ceaseless sobs seemed to ascend to new levels every half
hour. I was totally helpless, but how would he know it? His persistent cry
suggested one thing- “you have what I need and I need it NOW!” How do
mothers cope with situations like this?

Ed was with me in
the kitchen as I was rounding up my chores there and suddenly, his cry went
into overdrive. He began to cry louder and louder and I thought he felt I was
ignoring him and so had to get my attention by all means. I couldn’t take it
anymore and turned sharply towards him to shout the loudest SHUT UP! I could
muster. Lo and behold, my boy’s little finger had been trapped under the lid of
the cooker all that time.

I screamed in horror
and as I lifted the metal lid off his tiny finger. I broke down and took over
the weeping from him. I sat on that kitchen floor and wept, hugging him and
kissing him. I must have said, “I’m so sorry…” over 30times that
day to him. We both cried till sleep overwhelmed us in each other’s arms. When
we woke up, he’d forgotten the episode but I still remember. I was wearing
guilt all day long like an over-size coat.

I learnt from that
encounter that every cry, every appeal, regardless of its source, is an
invitation to connect with something; that though may not warrant tears,
certainly needs me to pause long enough to reflect and engage (if necessary)
with a heart fueled by the love of Jesus.

I’ll be leaving for
Sudan via Uganda a week from today and I’m praying God to grace me with what
people along my path who are hurting, lost or just wandering through life, need;
grant me the wisdom to assess each situation carefully and the ability to
assist graciously. I earnestly desire to be buoyed by reckless faith that’s
tempered with meekness to confront difficult situations on this trip.

The twins, Patience
and Self-control come under fire so often in cross cultural mission trips,
short term or long term. Oh that my speech, my steps and stops will flow with
the rhythm of God’s heartbeat this season.

I covet your prayers
as I long to hear and respond to the faint cries of those trapped by the cares
of this life. May the unspoken pleas of any seeking a reality that can only be
found in Jesus not escape my attention. Someone could make a lifelong
commitment to the Great Commission and the Greatest Commandment on account of
this trip.

Please let me know
you’ll be on this trip with me, kneeling before the Master. That’s where I need
you most. That’s where we are at our best.

I know some negative people will not like this blog. However, it’s a free world and as such, I’m entitled to my space.

I use to hide my status but not anymore. I’m tired of
hiding, of playing safe, of seeking to be loved and accepted. Someone said, “Your
status will find you out.” And they’re right. Here I am, with my face unmasked.
My wife and some other positive people in my life have greatly encouraged me to speak out using this platform.

When I got infected, I was terrified beyond measure.
Something like this had never happened in my family. Secretly, I
vowed to infect others and change
their fortunes too. Isn’t that mean and wicked? Shouldn’t people like me
be prosecuted and exterminated? Well, I have no control over any one’s views about
me. I know what and who I am. I’m not vengeful nor acting out of anger. I could
have, but I’ve gained richer perspectives by hanging out with other positive people and seeing the big
picture with them.

I didn’t see it coming but God did. It’s like He planned
the entire thing to get my fullest attention. My downfall was set before
Him. Now, I’m stuck here, thinking about how it all happened and wondering
how many more could be hit today.

I recently told a friend I now introduce myself as a farmer. He didn’t know why. I didn’t volunteer much info either. Sometimes I’m so afraid of spreading my seeds and pursuing my agenda to the end because I dread the stigmatization, the shame, the
insults, the hate emails, the negative comments, the deafening silence of close friends and family who once shared secrets with me, their look of
ignominy and disgust. These things literally kill me
off just thinking of them alone. But the truth is coming out here; I’m
positive.

I’m positive, not with HIV. My virus is the precious
love of Jesus and no medication cures this. My positive status is a progressive work of grace anchored on faith in the finished work of Christ. My confession here
is meant to appreciate my Lord Jesus for His mercy and publicize His great
love. I’ll spread it everywhere and hope more people catch it. 

I’ve seen that personal contact
is best though accidents do happen. Whichever way works, I’m sure someone will get it today. Your views about negative people will change when you get
infected with the real thing.

If you are reading this article and you are HIV
positive, I dare not appear cynical of your life challenges with any comments here.
God forbid! Whatever your story, there’s hope for you. There are realms of joy
and peace your soul has never dreamt attainable in this present world. But they can only
be found in Jesus Christ. If you’ve looked in many places and couldn’t find the
warmth, love, care and understanding you deserve; please look to Jesus today. 

He says, “…I will never turn away any one who comes
to me.” (John 6:37)

“Come to me, all of you who are tired from carrying
heavy loads and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28)

You may have heard all these lines before and they could sound like some stupid religious jargon. All the same, it’s my earnest prayer and hope that you find Jesus’ love in the next professing Christian you meet. His Spirit lives in humans and makes them test positive with
His love and life. He’s sent them with a message of hope and goodwill for all
peoples, regardless of their status.

There’s
a place of comfort for you in Christ. Seek Him, get Him and rest in
His peace.

 

As we reflect on the past, we see more of God’s finger
prints and His footsteps all around us. What joy we feel today, knowing He’s
been in this from the start till now?

Our expectations and dreams of the future are anchored in
God’s will for us as we strive to follow Him on this narrow way that offers no
options. He said, “It’s My way or no way.”

Ten great years have gone by, not without expected and unexpected challenges. But here we are today, together in South Sudan pursuing God’s will,
seeking His wisdom, spreading His word, hoping His way will be made known and
embraced by many through our thrusts. Our joys reach for a new climax at this juncture. This is
what we are made for. We are living our dream progressively.

Thank you for your support, your encouragement, your prayers
and partnership. May our influence on the youths of this generation thrive. We
are determined to finish well. You that feel or know for sure that this union is of God, we covet your prayers and
prophetic utterances.

 

Sola is a cautious planner, a thinker, a prudent observer, a dreamer, a sensitive mate, a selfless servant, a great manager and much more. Her support cannot be equaled. “It’s tough marrying you… sometimes I don’t know what you really want.” She’d complain and I’ll secretly relish the “compliments”. Appearing complicated was once my best secret weapon for manipulation, until she invented her own counter-manipulation weapon for it.

Sola studies her environment pretty well, always wanting to make a difference. She loves to be a part of what is going on and add flavor to the moment. I’ve not seen anyone that didn’t like her at first meeting. Sometimes in my melancholy mood, I don’t like that. “You don’t have to be everybody’s friend…” “But you are better with more friends than enemies…” she’d reply. Sola loves to travel and meet people. Her relationship with my late dad was so special that I became envious.

My kin’s men admire her simplicity and friendliness. Many of them had wondered why I married a Yoruba woman. But all their questions were answered when they met Sola. “You married well… thank you for bringing this one to us…” If only they knew how it all started and the curves involved along the way.

Sola is my lover, my companion and my best friend. It was not always so from the start. But she has become more than her name proclaims, a part of me that many words will fail to accurately define.

We are blessed with two sons. Ed is 8, in primary four and Othniel is 2, in nursery school.

Any toasts to Sola?

Exactly a year ago, I was still nursing the loss of my dad
but in the midst of that trying time, some great friends of mine insisted I go for our first Students’ Fire Conference which we’d been planning for Yei
before the demise of my father. This trip to Sudan cannot happen now I thought. My old man’s corpse was still in the morgue; getting around that to make a missions’ trip just seemed unreasonable and even insensitive.

But thank God for mentors with depth from personal experience.
I sent an “SOS email” to Uncle Tim Olonade, who has been a source of fatherly
guidance and leadership for a couple of years now. I needed immediate counsel on
what to do. Here was my first question to him among others:

“How
can I raise my emotions to engage this huge meeting (fire conference 2008);
with its unforeseen challenges? (The thing is this- when I think of planning to
make this trip, I’m not excited or happy about it. Neither am I delighted that
I’m postponing it for later.) I feel messed up inside… “

His reply:

Hi
Uche,

“Greetings
from Denver. Your mail has posed a major challenge in guidance. I have prayed
and weighed the options. It’s no easy answer.

On
emotional level, we are always distressed when we lose loved ones. So I can
understand. I made a decision many years ago, not to cancel any speaking
engagement due to burial ceremony. Then both of my parents died and I had
speaking engagements schedule and my decision was subjected to serious test on
each occasion. How did I survive? I went for both events and made the burial
look like I was planning a normal programme and speaking somewhere else
just happened in between. In your case, it’s like planning two emotionally
draining events. Don’t cancel either. If you survive them you made it for life…. do not sacrifice your ultimate at the altar of the immediate…”

That 2008 Fire Conference was great. Many of the students
who got saved during that conference are already leading smaller groups and
pressing on. It’s a privilege to have someone around to whom wisdom and counsel could be sort in moments of pain. Someone familiar with the nature of pain we’re dealing with or even deeper; someone whose faith in Jesus had grown through their own struggles and pains. It’s ever so refreshing to see the fruit of a good and godly counsel.

Our second Students’ Fire Conference tagged “Let the Fire
Fall”, comes up this weekend. My struggles with it has been huge but surmountable. A few of the ministers lined-up for this
conference here have been dealing with personal challenges from ill health to loss of loved
ones. Lack, in various forms stare us in the face. But the just shall live by faith. We’ve vowed to press on. 1000 students are expected to come. We may have a
crisis if this number is exceeded, but we beckon on the challenge with bold faith and totally prostrate
before the Lord Jesus as we seek His will.

Please kindly spend a few minutes in prayer with us:

1.     
We’ve had many evil outbreaks in Yei, from
Cholera, Typhoid, Meningitis etc; but now, we are asking for that incurable outbreak of the Holy Spirit.

2.   The
spirits of religion thrive in Southern Sudan, but now we seek radical conversions among the youth,
especially students.

 3.     
May God
find in this conference, a perfect platform to express Himself and be glorified.

When I was younger, girls were a major topic. In fact, most times among friends, they were the only topic. Nothing else seemed to make one merrier than a good gist about a girl date that ended “well.”

When Jesus met me, everything changed. My mentor, then, Bro Johnny Anikpe, said to me, “Onochie, you must learn how God speaks to you…” I didn’t understand what that meant or how it was to help me, but I began the most incredible journey of my life, learning to hear God.

This one art has been pivotal to all major choices in my life. In case you’d love to engage this and don’t know how, please get Seth Barnes’ book The Art of Listening Prayer here.

It was in June 1992. Campus life was not going good for me. Many issues needed immediate solution and answers. But top on the list was my academics. Being the president of the Christian Union fellowship, I had responsibilities that were huge. I had not managed my time well, resulting in dipping grades.

I was laden with these challenges and other concerns when the Lord spoke to me that morning. “Sola shall be your wife.” When I heard those words, I knew this was God. I knew the Sola he was talking about. But I greatly wished this were a dream.  I was not prepared for this kind of life. In fact, I had preached and taught against students getting involved in relationships on campus. I believed it did more harm than good.

I rose from where I was praying that morning and said “no” to God. “You cannot interrupt my life anyhow, without my involvement and permission. It is my life for goodness’ sake.” I was angry, very angry. “What kind of God are you? I’m here needing serious help in my class work, and You are talking about marriage.”

My first close encounter with Sola is easy to remember. We met along the way on campus and instinctively she said, “Bro Uche, how are you?” She was an open, friendly girl.

“I’m fine.”

I didn’t know her, but she looked familiar. She knew me and, noticing the surprise I expressed, she said, “I’m also in the Prayer Band.” This was the fellowship’s prayer force subgroup, which met weekly for prayers. But since we always met in the evenings, I didn’t know many of the members by face. But she knew me.  I asked for her name and she said, “Sola. I’m studying microbiology…” Then she gave me her dossier. 

After the Lord spoke to me about Sola, from June to August, I expressed my disgust in every way I could. I didn’t pray or read the Bible all those months. I began eating everything I wished; I was afraid I’d become sick. Worse still, I made life difficult for Sola in many ways and never smiled at her. I made sure she knew I had something against her by always turning away from her and answering her greetings with stern looks and casual waves. She was the object of my pain, and I felt she had to pay for it.

But on that rainy day of August 4, the Lord spoke so softly to my heart, “I will not give you what will kill you. I love you so much. I’ll not give you what you don’t need. I’ll always offer my best to you.” These words melted deep into my soul. I cracked. I wept all night, asking for His forgiveness and grace to obey. I felt His embrace, His love, and warmth.

The morning of August 5^th was a new dawn. I needed to tell someone what I was going through. My closest friend on campus, Yemi Adeyemo, did not know. This was too personal to involve anyone. My pride would have killed me. “How can I go and talk to that sister?” I thought.

We had set up a Marriage Committee to oversee all relationships and assess future proposals in the fellowship. Anyone wishing to propose to a sister had to go to this committee first and tell their story. If the coast was clear, they would be permitted to proceed with their offer. This helped. I had to go through the same process as the President of the fellowship. So I called the Chairman of the committee, Bro Francis Adesola, and told him the whole story. He was shocked.

 

Anyway, my cell phone rings; It’s my awesome wife.

“Hello darl!” I answered, surprised. It’s too earlier for her to call. It’s 3am back home.

“Hi darling, Othniel’s is very sick and we are in the
hospital. Ed’s not feeling well too. He’s on several medications. It’s crazy at work…” On and on and on…

[Silence]

“Hello!”

“Hello darl, are you still there, can you hear me?”

Hello!!??” I could hear her loud and clear. The tension in her
voice cracks the wall of my fortress.

“I’m here darl.” I answered slowly, wishing I wasn’t.

“I just wanted you to know what’s going on. All’s well. We’ll
be fine…”

“Amen! We’ll be praying for you all.”

We exchange the usual I love yous and miss yous… and she’s
gone.

“God, I need something extra for today, more grace, more everything, to remain logical and focused.” I wasn’t saying these words, I was just thinking then.

This was one of those days I wished I wasn’t here but then
again, I wished home was as blissful and serene as the place my weak limbs and
tired mind will love to return to. As I prayed, I recall we’ve been on this path before, but it’s never a familiar one.